Review of Joop! Homme Eau de Toilette by Andrew R

I absolutely hate this violently sweet, hideously synthetic assault on the senses. Personal: 1.5/10 – I hate this. It’s cloying, screechy, syrupy, and genuinely unpleasant to smell. There’s nothing here that works for me. Only reason it's not a 1 is because it is, subjectively, better than Rose & Cuir by Fredrick Malle. Mass appeal: 4/10 – Some people love it, and I truly do not understand how. Most modern noses will find this repulsive, except for *maybe* around 10 hours after application/ Performance: 8.5/10 – Unfortunately nuclear. It lasts forever and projects like it’s angry at you for existing. Value: 6/10 – It’s cheap and powerful, but value doesn’t matter if you don’t want it anywhere near you. Uniqueness: 8/10 – Horribly unique. You will never confuse this with anything else, and that is *NOT* a compliment. SCORE: 56/100 Full bottle buy? NO, absolutely not. Blind buy? NO, this is one of the worst blind buys imaginable. Recommend? NO, unless you are actively trying to punish someone, or yourself. Date night? NO, unless the goal is to ensure there is no second date. Office safe? NO, this should be illegal indoors. Pros: Massive performance, instantly recognizable, historically infamous, and I struggle to name those 3. Cons: Overwhelming sweetness, extremely synthetic, dated in the worst way, nauseating, zero subtlety, overpriced at $30, stains clothes, stains memories, smells like 1989 threw up in a beat up old Yugo... I'll stop there but I don't wanna. Joop! Homme smells like someone spilled cough syrup, grape candy, cheap vanilla, and hot floral soap onto a polyester jacket and then microwaved it. It is aggressively sweet, intensely synthetic, and completely out of step with anything I want to smell like. There is no evolution here, it just exists, loudly, for hours, refusing to go anywhere except up your nose, straight into your brain and sinuses, where it will ruminate before ultimately deciding it hates you, and wishes to inflict one of the most head-splitting headaches you've ever had. This is not bold in a charming way. It’s not retro in a cool way. It’s just excessive. Every note is turned up past reasonable limits, and the result is something that feels abrasive rather than confident. I understand that it was popular in its time, but that does not make it good now, nor does it make it interesting to revisit, and frankly, it wasn't even good then. Versace reinvented this specific wheel about 23 years later when they decided to release Eros, and that was actually palatable. This is so violently strong that it won't even work as a room spray, let alone a cologne. There are fragrances that are loud but fun. There are fragrances that are dated but charming. Joop! Homme is neither. It’s a relic that should probably, scratch that, should be legally required to stay in the past, remembered only as a cautionary tale of what happens when restraint leaves the building entirely. Edit to add: After reading reviews below this one, I do legitimately understand much of the fondness for this fragrance comes from nostalgia. But let's be honest, that's it. This is not objectively a good fragrance, and subjectively, it's disgusting. I really do understand why others like it, but I do not have any of that association, personally, thus inspiring my rant.